12/7/2016 – Rollywood News Round-Up: the Anglosphere
‘Who run the world? Justin Trudeau’
‘Black people aren’t bulletproof. #blacklivesmatter’
‘FBI clears Clinton of criminal charges over State Department email scandal. Points out that the real danger to US national security is Trump’s Twitter account’
‘British Isles run aground in storm of stupidity. All-male crew jumps ship. May day’
‘Delayed election result in Australia spurs shift to electronic voting. Experts warn, however, that vote counting may take even longer on the Coalition’s copper NBN’
‘New Zealand’
Some more Trudeau, just because he’s adorable…
24/8/2015 – Rollywood News Round-Up: Let the Music Play
‘North Korea tells South Korea to turn the music down, orders troops into ‘wartime state’. No one quite sure what ‘wartime state’ entails, but presumably it’s in stark contrast to the state of ‘extreme relaxation’ characterising North Korea since 1953’
‘The cricket’
‘Metadata of ABC reporter offered to the public for analysis. Data reveals that ABC reporters are boring’
‘Prime Minister Tony Abbott says ‘It’s ok to be gay!’. It’s not great though, and you still shouldn’t be able to do the sorts of things that normal people can do’
Special Report: Things that are more useful and interesting than press coverage of Mark Latham.
- Herpes
- Cigarettes
- MacDonald’s Healthy Choices
- Kimye*
*see Herpes.
11/8/2015 – Rollywood News Round-Up: Minority Report
‘Beehives and helicopters don’t mix’
‘Marriage Equality sunk the Titanic’
‘Bronwyn Bishop admits fear of Marriage Equality at sea gave rise to her unhealthy addiction to aerial transport, explaining ‘Otherwise I would have just sailed to Geelong!”
‘Politicians are expensive, and so are their children’
‘Abbott government to continue its War on Renewable Energy in the hope that the looming threat of Marriage Equality will eventually melt back into the rising seas’
‘Racism in sport’
‘Adam Goodes is sexy as fuck’
‘Indigenous Australians finally discover a use for Vegemite, demonstrating once and for all their socio-cultural superiority’
‘Tony Abbott refuses to allow conscience vote on Marriage Equality. Margie starts packing up The Lodge’
18/7/2015 – Rollywood News Round-Up
‘QEII revealed as founding member of the Hitler Youth’
‘New images of Pluto indicate it’s still just a rock in the middle of nowhere’
”Ugly scenes’ in Melbourne as racists and anti-racists bash each other up with wind farms’
‘Special Report on Bernard Tomic: young people who get paid exorbitant amounts of money are stupid and useless’
‘Tour de France Stage 14: Peddling Drugs’
‘Bronwyn Bishop admits ‘error of judgement’ over helicopter ride. Charters new chopper to special solidarity screening of Q&A to discuss how errors of judgement aren’t really that big of a deal’
18/5/2015 – Rollywood News Round-Up
‘The Middle East’
‘Australia expands immigration blacklist, denying national entry to Dogs on Planes along with People on Boats. Cats on Hovercraft still qualify as skilled labour’
‘Some countries kill people for killing people. Other countries kill people for not killing people’
‘Remote community of medical students to be established in Western Australia with a view to reinvigorate the dwindling lifestyle choice of voting for the LNP’
‘Religion still fucking everything up’
‘Global populace now paying fossil fuel companies $US10 million per minute to close the garage door and turn the engine on’
7/5/2015 – Rollywood News Round-Up
‘Tony Abbott meets partner of gay Ambassador to France. Expresses delight at the introduction and desire that the men remain unmarried. And in France, if at all possible’
‘Greens smile warmly through leadership carousel to the tune of ‘We Are Family’’
‘Joko Widodo completes stage 1 of plan to make the world a shitter place’
‘Abbott describes ACU Mercy Scholarships as ‘odd’, asking ‘Shouldn’t they take into account who your parents are?”‘
‘Fred Nile to introduce legislation to outlaw female facial coverings, presumably so that women can better absorb ultra-sounds of their babies before they decide to terminate. Nile’s mother removes sunhat, makes appointment for post-natal abortion’
‘Racist douchebaggery is still a thing’
‘New study shows racism closely linked to haircut/tattoo-regret’
‘Ethnic minorities unpopular amongst racists. Racists unpopular amongst ethnic majorities. Very confusing cycle of oppression ensues’
‘Minister for Women increasingly unpopular amongst men (and women) but retains convincing lead as preferred-PM in polling of angry, old racists’
‘Benjamin Netanyahu continues to present himself as a religious, rather than political, leader, to the detriment of Jewish people everywhere. And Israelis. And Muslims. And everyone else’
‘Prince Harry has arrived in Canberra only to find that I’m NOT FUCKING THERE. HRH is thus finding himself increasingly unpopular amongst ME. And the 7 or 8 people who regularly visit Rollywood’
10/3/2015 – Rollywood News Round-Up
‘Tony Abbott backs plan to close Indigenous remote communities saying it’s not the taxpayers job to “endlessly subsidise lifestyle choices”. Also outlines initiative to close religious institutions, private schools and tax loopholes for the wealthy and divert the corresponding revenue in support of the gay rights movement’
‘The Tasmanian government defends its decision to refurbish the Spirit of Tasmania fleet in the current, dire economic climate, stressing the project will create local jobs. In the UK’
‘The government’s Intergenerational Report drops a bombshell with the prediction that, in 40 years time, people will be older’
‘Joe Hockey removed from the Fairfax Trading Post pending court hearing to determine whether the his ad breached rules on false advertising or if there was simply an embarrassing lack of potential buyers’
‘PM sick of being lectured by the United Nations about torture. Seeks to start support group with Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi and Bashar al-Assad before realising what sometimes happens to world leaders who ignore UN lectures’
9/3/2015 – Rollwood News Round-Up: Mardi Gras!!
‘Sisters Still Doing it for Themselves. Most Notably Dannii Minogue’
‘Clover Moore unanimously elected Australia’s Liza Minelli. Moore and Emcee Alex Greenwich to stage full-length revival of Cabaret in Sydney Council Chambers’
‘Gays ponder Australian Marriage Forum calls for equality for children. Decide to keep fighting for equality for adults first, arguing ‘It’s cos we pay taxes and shit’’
‘Star of AMF hate campaign bemoans casting rejections since widespread attempt to belittle an already persecuted minority. Her agent explains ‘It’s difficult, because there really are a lot of gay people in the entertainment industry we may have offended. Well, apparently not at Channels 7 or 9”
‘New-age, queer hipsters articulate their ambivalence to gay pride through use of the hashtag #Blah-DiBlah’
Special Report:
A panel of Rollywood experts has been convened to deconstruct some of the less nuanced arguments in the Equality for Children campaign, including:
- It remains a biological imperative for all children to have both a mother and a father participate in their conception. Gay relationships don’t systematically prohibit these people from being part of their kids’ lives any more that heterosexual relationships do
- In the event that one or both parents are absent from a child’s upbringing it may well be because they are either dead or a douchebag. This phenomenon remains prevalent in Australian society, regardless of the parents’ sexuality, and there’s not a lot anyone can do about it
- The overwhelming majority of gay people were born and brought up in traditional, heterosexual familial dynamics – a bugbear the AMF seems determined to ignore. Maybe its time to shake things up a bit and see what happens
25/2/15 – Australia really narrowed the news focus this week, making the Rollywood Round-Up pretty easy, even from abroad…
‘PM and AG lose confidence in HRC president Gillian Triggs, offer to consider her for roles more closely aligned to the government, where confidence isn’t such an important KPI’
‘Coalition backbench nominates Gillian Triggs as leadership contender’
‘Julia Gillard to sue Tony Abbott for trademark infringement over the phrase ‘getting on with the job’’
‘Old MacDonald can’t read’
21/1/15 – In recognition of Rupert Murdoch/News Corp being absolute assets to modern society I thought I’d do a Fox News flavoured Rollywood Round-Up…
‘Muslims have taken over the world’
‘The Liberal Media are Muslims’
‘Even the Jews are Muslims’
‘Melbourne has been re-named Mus-bourne and only Muslims live there’
‘Mus-bourne to be complemented by re-appropriations of other state capitals:
Adelrabia; Brislamabad; Canmecca; Darmascus; Hobagdhad; Perthelstine; Sydnyria’
‘Muslims scientifically proven to share collective identity, set of ideals and responsibility for each other’s actions. (A little bit like that scene in the third Matrix movie where all the machines coordinate and turn into a giant human head. Except with religious garb)’
‘Click here for 10 Reasons Trinity Would Have Been Less Effective in a Burqa’
20/1/15 – The first Rollywood Round-Up for 2015! Get involved…
‘Julie Bishop laments the fate of Indonesia’s death row Aussie inmates and the loss of an expensive pearl earring’
‘Tony Abbott leaves the door open to punitive diplomatic measures in the event that Indonesia executes Bali 9 prisoners, including withdrawal of the Australian ambassador and de-friending Joko Widodo on Facebook’
‘New Health Minister Sussan Ley to meet representatives from Australia’s medical fraternity to discuss changes to Medicare. Doctors determined to keep the consultation under 10 minutes and seek maximum rebate’
‘Government attempts to wed environment and health policies, saying inaction on climate change is necessary to ensure we don’t become a nation of 150 year old dole-bludgers’
‘Joe Hockey demonstrates the contemporary pertinence of the old adage ‘There’s no short-term gain for longterm wisdom”
‘Media entities Channels 7 and 9 volunteer Victims of Crime Compensation for Sydney Siege survivors. Compensation gratefully accepted’
17/12/14 – Not much in the news today that’s appropriate for a Rollywood News Round-Up, but here goes:
Joe ‘Joe ‘ Joe ‘Joe ‘ ‘Hockey officially a worse treasurer than Wayne Swan. OECD says that doesn’t mean a whole lot cos Swanny was actually pretty good’
‘Mars has gas.’
‘America’s Bush family renews plan to destroy the world through consolidation of political power. Dick Cheney puts them back on his Xmas card list’
‘My hair looks good today’
‘Gays save lives’
12/12/14 – Rollywood News Round-Up!
‘Abbott suggests sexism behind attacks on Peta Credlin. Instructs cabinet ministers to review Gillard misogyny speech online’
‘Catholic Church admits that celibacy not as healthy for priests as having a cheeky root’
‘PM splits literary prize award to honour celebrated fictional author as well as distribute inaugural, final and furtive ‘Chairman’s Scholarship for Literary Design”
‘Australia sends diplomats to defend Great Barrier Reef. Marine life unable to engage due to social, cultural and biological barriers. Diplomats decide just to picket the dredgers’
‘Abbott aims for 2017 indigenous vote. Expresses desire for similar rights for women in the not-too-distant future’
16/11/14 – Rollywood’s G20 Round-Up:
‘Everyone thinks Vladimir Putin is a dick’
‘Everyone thinks Tony Abbott is a dick, including Vladimir Putin’
‘The government has banned Tania Plibersek from G20 participation, stating that she needs to to stay focussed on organising Australia’s contribution to combat the Ebola outbreak. “She’s the only one who’s been able to get anything done so far” says Abbott “plus we can’t have her distracting from the point of the G20, which is to sell the carbon tax repeal and GP co-payment to people who don’t vote in this country”‘
‘The world’s been diagnosed with lung cancer but Australia wants to finish its deck’
7/11/14 – Rollywood Health News Round-Up:
‘PM announces Australian visa ban on West African countries. When pressed to explain the decision responds, ‘Sick slaves are about as useful to the Australian economy as refugees”
‘Tony Abbott the most unpopular Prime Minister since Tony Abbott’
‘Government to belatedly send medical professionals to West Africa to help address the Ebola outbreak after realising an EU offer to evacuate/treat infected volunteers accidentally ended up in Julie Bishop’s spam folder’
‘Scott Morrison explains the confusion by stating ‘Most of the correspondence we receive from the EU isn’t in English anyway’’
14/10/14 – A special Environment edition of Rollywood’s News Round-Up!!
‘Abbott claims ‘Coal is good for Humanity’, introduces new panel of environmental advisers: Dr Blight, Duke Nukem and Verminous Skumm’
‘In a related story Government cuts force Captain Planet into redundancy. Planet said to be concerned about employment prospects due to lack of transferrable skills’
‘Joe Hockey dismisses OECD Report naming Australians as world’s highest per capita carbon emitters as ‘ridiculous’. Separate OECD report also finds Aussies to be highest global emitters of stupidity per capita, asserting ‘The ignorance of the Australian political class contributes similarly disproportionate levels of stupidity to the national average as the country’s overt reliance on coal-fired power generation contributes carbon”
And a quick sweep of international ‘headlines’…
‘China doesn’t like democracy’
‘The West directs bombing campaign Eastward’
‘The world giggles nervously as Tony Abbott struggles to separate general predilection for bullying from occupational requirement to engage in international diplomacy’
2/10/14 – It’s been a while but definitely time for another Rollywood News Round-Up…
‘Abbott to slash foreign aid to accommodate neo-Iraq War. Says sometimes the only way to help people in developing countries is to kill them’
‘Minister for Women wishes muslim women in Australia were free to dress in a way he deems appropriate’
‘Sharks remain steadfast in their refusal to distinguish between ‘humans’ and ‘other forms of prey’ when hunting in their natural habitat’
‘Asshole senator who thinks smoking is a good idea unlikely to get re-elected. Or survive’
‘Animals are people too’
‘Julie Bishop resolute in her determination to maintain minimal foreign aid contributions. And to dress like a villain from Star Trek’
15/9/14 – Slow news day, but here’s another installment of the Rollywood News Round-Up!!
‘Australia to commit forces to Middle East military campaign. Abbott says troops will remain until ISIL destroyed or Holy Grail found’
‘PM dismisses prospect of dedicated Senate seats for Indigenous Australians as ‘far too soon’ to consider, stressing ‘Jacquie Lambie is quite enough for the time being”
‘Germans don’t like Jews very much’
‘Humans are shit for the planet. Particularly for non-human species’
9/9/14 – I forgot about last Thurs but here’s a quick Rollywood News Round-Up for this week…
‘ASIO poised to upgrade national danger warning after proponents of mild anxiety claim responsibility for a widespread, covert attack’
‘Sharks eat things in the ocean’
‘Melbourne weather unpredictable and annoying’
‘Russia’s Putin still a dick’
‘Australia’s Abbott still a douche’
‘Politician suffers bout of amnesia at ICAC, faints, and can only be revived after aid fans stench of horse shit in general direction’
This just in…
‘Recognition timetable for indigenous Australians to be pushed back, with questions raised as to whether Aborigines descended from a 60000 year old civilisation, or are just Jacqui Lambie’s cousins’
28/8/2014 – A quick review of the headlines troubling Australia this week…
‘Qantas is crap’
‘The AFP are retarded’
‘The Vic Police are retarded’
‘Special Report: ‘Vast Majority of Australian Police Retarded”
‘Metadata is just a fancy new name for the Yellow Pages Online…in the same way as the budget is actually a rabbit’
‘Politicians are corrupt’
‘Union officials are corrupt’
‘The PM is corrupt and useless’
‘Joe Hockey got some ‘splaining to do’
‘The Greens are crap at foreign policy’
‘US to fight terror abroad in defence of citizens’ right to peacefully kill one another at home’
‘Oprah Winfrey dies’*
*Made that last one up.